When married couples disagree, should the husband take the lead — or the wife?
Relationship and parenting coach Maribel Sison-Dionisio from The Love Institute addressed questions about roles, control and decision-making in marriage, stressing that partnerships should be built on discussion, not dominance.
“When there are differences, talking it out is important. It can’t be the husband will only follow, or the wife will only follow. They need to listen to each of their opinions. There’s a story behind their reasoning. And when you listen, clarity comes and making a joint decision becomes easier,” Sison-Dionisio said.
In cases where differences remain due to values or approaches, she said, couples can explore alternatives or even agree to disagree, rather than forcing one side to yield.
“There are times when opinions really differ, maybe because they have different values or different ways of doing things. Is there another way? Maybe they can agree to disagree,” she said.
On the issue of work, the coach said a spouse does not have the right to simply forbid the other from pursuing what they want.
“They need to talk, again. Hopefully, that’s something couples talk about before marriage because it will become an issue. Maybe the wife can get into a part-time job, or maybe the husband also doesn’t want to work anymore and becomes a house husband instead, because there are such cases. So it needs to be talked about and you have to negotiate.”
If couples struggle to resolve conflicts on their own, she advised seeking guidance from wedding sponsors or neutral mentors.
“Call your godparents. Hopefully, they can give you good advice. That’s the reason you have sponsors at your wedding, to help you become objective about the issue. If not, then you go to a professional,” she said.
Sison-Dionisio also cautioned against airing marital conflicts on social media, saying public posts can humiliate one partner and worsen the situation.
“It’s not right to air it out on social media. It will embarrass your partner. Go talk to your godparents in private. Often, we don’t advise couples to go to their parents because they will side with their child,” she said.
According to her, some couples even agree in advance on a trusted circle of friends.
“Your wedding entourage is your community, so choose your mature friends who will not be biased and simply align with their friend. What other couples do is draw up an agreement. They make a list of people they can trust and be objective with.”
When asked how to distinguish between protective behavior and controlling tendencies, Sison-Dionisio said couples should establish clear guidelines early on to lessen conflict.
“Dressing up, eating, where to go, what to do — these are talked about to avoid risks of conflict. And when it comes to differing opinions, the couple must talk. ‘This is good for this occasion but for this one, what you wore the other day is better,’” she said.
She added that spending ample time together before marriage allows partners to see each other’s true character, values and passions, making it easier to adjust and accept differences later on.
“Three years is ideal, so you experience who your partner really is, and what kind of person you really are. It’s different when you experience and know exactly who your partner is. Friendship is formed in the three years. When you are friends, you adjust to the other.”
Addressing the biblical verse often cited about wives submitting to their husbands, Sison-Dionisio said the passage is frequently taken out of context.
“The one in the Bible, nakalimutan nila, there is a paragraph before that, that says, the husband is the head of the church, and it assumes that the husband is responsible. So we will follow when [he’s] responsible, and he’s thinking of the whole family. Kung hindi, kailangang mag-isip din si misis about these things. [That is] usually taken out of context. Equality din naman eh — what is good for him will be good for her, is very important,” she said.
“‘Yung possessive, controlling, ‘yan ang mga nakakasira.”
“Hindi ito ownership na, ‘Ay hindi pwede. Huwag mong gawin ‘yan. Hindi ka dapat ganito. Hindi ka dapat ‘yun.’ Hindi ganun eh. So nagbibigayang kaming dalawa. Mas maganda ‘yung parehas ‘yung sinusuportahan kung ano ‘yung gusto ng isa’t isa,” she said. (GMA Integrated News)